Features

Hendo

Sorry, but like England, we couldn't be bothered

Second Test Day 4 England 133 all out: South Africa win by 340 runs. . Because England couldn't be bothered to turn up today, Guerilla Cricket has decided we can't be bothered to write a report on a shambolic performance. If and when England decide to put their heart and soul back into their Test cricket, we will put our heart and soul back into our writing. . We may write a review of this Test match in the coming days...if we can be arsed.

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The Bear

ENG v SA 2nd test day 3: England face a long climb with no oxygen

ENg v SA 2nd Test day 3 Trent Bridge. . Reporter: Alec Paton. . Morning session. . The morning started with both teams knowing what was needed. . England needed to induce a catastrophic collapse from the visitors in the mold of the 2015 Ashes test. South Africa needed only to prevent that happening. Of the 2, du Plessis' boys were likely the happier by lunch. . Anderson and Broad opened the bowling and in spite of a few moments of concern, the 2 overnight batsmen continued more or less untroubled, save a snorting ball from the home-town boy, who induced a nick from Amla that was heard by the keepers and the slips, but crucially neither the bowler nor the umpire noticed it and Root continued his indifferent form with the DRS by failing to review.

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Will Cockerell

Less Rourke's drift, more Isandlwana? England capitulate on day 2

Reporters: Will Cockerell, morning and afternoon; Ralph Thomas, evening. . Morning session. . The first session was one of the most bonkers and barnstorming sequences of Test Match play you'll ever see – a superb advert for the finest format of the game. The swings in fortune, the drama and daredevilry were quite dazzling, none more so than Jimmy's astonishing figures of 4 for 4 in 3.2, quite simply Nobody Does It Better.

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Hendo

Philander ensures honours are even after see-saw day

Second Test: close of play score: (day one): South Africa 309-6. . Stuart Broad dragged England back into a game that was getting away from them with the crucial wickets of Quinton De Kock and Hashim Amla shortly after tea on the first day of the second Test. . With Ben Stokes chipping in with the scalps of Faf du Plessis and Temba Bavuma the hosts appeared to have taken control by midway through an elongated final session. But the game swung again in the last hour or so as Chris Morris and Vernon Philander, with his second fifty of the series, prevented England making further inroads with an unbroken stand of 74 that could yet have a crucial affect on the final outcome.

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Nakul Pande

If you don't like Moeen Ali, you don't like cricket

Final report: England (458 & 233) beat South Africa (361 & 119) by 211 runs. Moeen Ali is only one bad spell or loose shot from people who are wrong to call for him to be dropped. But even they can only rise, along with all of Lord's and all here at GC Towers, to salute England's bearded wonder, who was deservedly named man of the match. The 87 runs in the first innings were compiled in classically beautiful, at times breathtaking fashion. But it was his 10-112, dismissing all of South Africa's frontline batsmen bar Duminy at least once, that not just underlined but writ large across the cloudless London sky his all-round value to this England team - he bowled with turn, bounce, accuracy, and subtle variation in pace, making him a joy to watch with ball in hand.

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Hendo

England in driving seat after Philander injury adds to tourists' bowling woes

Close of play report (Day 3) England 458 & 119-1; South Africa 351 . . England had moved into a commanding position by the end of the third day at Lord's as South African's bowling woes deepened after a nasty injury to strike bowler Vernon Philander. . The tourists' options for the next Test at Trent Bridge had already been affected by the suspension of Kagiso Rabada, who was sanctioned for swearing at Ben Stokes after he dismissed him in the first innings (combined with a previous offence), but they were left a bowler short as England batted for a second time.

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Hendo

Middle order steadies tourists after Moeen wins battle of the bewhiskered

Close of play report (day two) South Africa 214-5; England 458 all out. . Moeen Ali's capacity for getting crucial wickets helped give England the advantage on the second day of the first Test at Lord's. The off spinner has often been derided for his unimpressive average but his knack for picking up big players at important moments mitigates in his favour as far as his admirers are concerned.

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Hendo

Brilliant Root in dreamland on captaincy debut

Close of play report: England 357-5. . Many of the 80 men who have captained England in Test cricket have performed as if restrained in a straitjacket. Not Joe Root. The man elected to succeed Alastair Cook when the Essex opener decided he'd had enough five months ago found the position a perfect fit and records tumbled as England made a superb start to the four-match series.

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Will Cockerell

Memoirs of a Saffers Junkie

Has there been a more consistently absorbing Test Match rivalry over the past 40 years to match the struggles of England versus South Africa? Will Cockerell believes not, as he reminisces on some epic affairs since the end of apartheid. 1994. It's almost impossible to describe the euphoria of the opening days of the Lord's Test of 1994 and our renewed acquaintance with a fabled foe. The weather was perfect and it was nostalgic to see Cap'n Kepler, he of Ashes' '85 ilk, grind out an emotional ton on an evenly poised 1st day. After that, the mother of all shellackings, with England dire and Atherton getting his hands dirty; too dirty as it turned out. An wild and apoplectic Jon Agnew called for skipper's head, which many felt was "a bit much".

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Scott Rutherford

Guerillas in the midst of special Test match revolution

"They're not as funny as they think they are," sniffed Stephen Brenkley, the cricket correspondent of the now partially defunct Independent, in 2012, hoping perhaps, by damning with faint praise, to halt the Test Match Sofa bandwagon that was hurtling down the slope from the Pavilion End and threatening to deliver some unwelcome chin music to the cricket Establishment.

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GetItQuietly

Series review: Ashes 2015

The 2015 Ashes series was the third in two years due to a schedule rearrangement designed to help England's World Cup campaign the next winter (lol). If the clashes of 2005 and 2009 will be remembered as vibrant contests of punching and counter-punching, this was more like two drunks whaling on each other at closing time. . England of course won 3-2 in the end, keeping the Aussies without a series win on these shores since 2001. The two matches they won were by 405 runs, Steve Smith helping himself to a double hundred at Lords, and an innings & 46 in the dead rubber at the Oval. England won by 169 runs in Cardiff, 8 wickets on their lucky ground of Edgbaston, and decisively by an innings & 78 at Trent Bridge.

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Gary Naylor

Series review: SA v ENG 2015/2016

England's four half-centurions in the First Test vs South Africa in 2015-16 provide a contrast in how the cricketing Gods dispense their favours: Nick Compton and James Taylor won't play international cricket again; Joe Root is the new Test captain and Jonny Bairstow has rewritten the record books for wicketkeeper-batsmen. None of that was clear when their contributions with the bat and Man of the Match, Moeen Ali's seven wickets, got England off to a winning start against a strong South Africa team playing in home conditions.

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Grubby

Series review: IND v ENG 2016

India 4 England 0 – 2016 Test series review. . If nominative determinism has a place in cricket, last winter proved it. . . Virat Kohli is Majestic. Literally. That's what Virat means. Captain Kohli, complete with his I've-just-shagged-your-sister grin, led India to a comprehensive series victory over an England side that was simply ground into the dust over six exhausting weeks.

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Nakul Pande

Series review: IND v AUS 2017

Rahane Rescues King Kohli's Creaking Conquerors. . India 2-1 Australia. . 13 home Tests, 10 wins, 2 draws and 1 loss. Four series wins, and when it all came to an end India were world number one and held every bilateral series title. . Easy, right? Wrong. So wrong. . Those Tests came at a rate of one every fortnight for 6 straight months. This is, to use a technical term, batshit. The resultant roll-call of injured shoulders (Kohli, KL Rahul), sports hernias (Ravichandran Ashwin), broken jaws (Murali Vijay), and general brokenness (Mohammed Shami) came as no surprise.

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